You know what’s funny? In a not so funny way? I woke up this
morning thinking that I had changed. And not in a good way. I have grown lax
lately in watching over what I say, especially about other people. And not like
any of it has been atrocious. But even the slightest thing can be hurtful to
that person’s image in other people’s eyes. And it may get back to them.
Sometimes the things we hear through other people sticks with us….
..like 13 years later. I can still remember walking out of
my tennis final my sophomore year, feeling fresh and happy, glad to be almost
done with another semester. And then my friend, a guy I wasn’t that close to
but had been getting to know, rushed out of the final (we had been in the class
together) and ran up to me to let me know that our tennis coach had looked up
at the class after I left and said, “I hate pretty girls that only want to get
an A.”
Ouch. Like really. Not that I had been friends with this
coach, but I had looked up to him. I had tried—really hard—that semester to do
well in that class. For one thing, I liked tennis and wanted to be better
playing it. The truth hurts sometimes—and the truth is, I am just not good at tennis.
But man, I gave my all! And I even showed up for all the extra credit I could.
But I still was wobbling between a B+ and an A in that class. So I asked. Asked
what I could do to improve my grade.
Um…I thought that was a good thing. A student wanting to
improve herself and do better. But no. Apparently to him, I was just asking for
an A and just wanting for him to give it to me or something.
In that moment, I felt like it was a bit tragic. And I
realized that not everyone is for you. And that no matter how hard you try or
how pure your motives are, some people are just not going to respect that. In
fact, some people are going to judge you based on a “pretty” face and nothing
else.
Sad Day. Reality Check. However you want to say it, I think
that was when I realized how the world really works. And I realized that sexism
still existed. And that some people must just have really ugly things in their
hearts if they could look at me and instead of seeing someone that would
forgive and pray for him, someone that gave their all to their studies and tried
to be the best at everything they did “as unto the Lord,” he just saw a “pretty
face” and found some sort of sick pleasure in, not only loathing me, but
humiliating me in front of my whole tennis class including this boy that I was
friends with.
The good thing is I was a much better person back then so
instead of marching back in and confronting him in front of the class, I
resolved to forgive him and pray for him. And for his wife. Because if he felt
that way about me and had such disregard for me, not only as a female but just as a person, I couldn’t imagine what kind of baggage he was bringing into
the lives of other people, especially the women in his life, including the one to whom he was married.
At the age I am now, I think confrontation can sometimes be
a good thing. And I almost resolved today to write him a letter and remind him
of that—and how wrong it was—and ask him not to do that anymore to other young
impressionable women. Women who need to be encouraged and helped along the way
toward adulthood. Women that need a few more heroes and a few less creeps in
their lives. Women that want to
respect men but have a hard time after hearing things like that.
Women that are human. And have feelings. And motivations.
And ambitions.
And we are all more susceptible to being affected by what others
say than we think we are. I wonder, even though I felt like I moved on from
that moment the right way, how those comments have affected my confidence in
certain situations or affected my perception of men in work situations.
I wonder also how those comments affected that guy friend of
mine. Even though he obviously did not agree with what the instructor did and
said, was his perception of me changed? After that, our friendship grew to a
distant memory. That might have been a natural progression. I haven't thought much about it, but I wonder.
Sometimes the subtle way a person’s mind is affected can make a huge difference
in their behavior.
And so, thinking of this, and also of a friendship that died
because I knew that the person had talked badly about me with common acquaintances,
I realized how even the strongest of friendships can grow fragile by a wrongly
spoken word. And how careful we must be to protect others, even those we don’t
like, from unfair criticism.
Everyone deserves a chance. Everyone should be able to
present themselves to others, and perhaps even change for the better, on their
own merit (or lack thereof) and not based on others' opinions.
So, after preaching to myself, I leave with this imperative.
Let’s all be more aware of what we are saying and how those words might affect
the other person if they heard them. Would you say whatever you are saying to
their face? If not, better to lean toward keeping our mouths shut and leaving
that person, and others’ opinions of them, up to God.
Here is a long list of verses I found on the internet that talk about our words:
Proverbs 18:21 ESV /
Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.
Ephesians 4:29 ESV /
Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.
Proverbs 12:18 ESV /
There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.
Matthew 12:36 ESV /
I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak,
Proverbs 16:24 ESV /
Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body.
Proverbs 15:1 ESV /
A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
Matthew 15:18 ESV /
But what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart, and this defiles a person.
Proverbs 21:23 ESV /
Whoever keeps his mouth and his tongue keeps himself out of trouble.
Hebrews 4:12 ESV /
For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.
Proverbs 13:3 ESV /
Whoever guards his mouth preserves his life; he who opens wide his lips comes to ruin.
Psalm 19:14 ESV /
Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.
Matthew 12:37 ESV /
For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.”
James 1:26 ESV /
If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person's religion is worthless.
Colossians 3:8 ESV /
But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth.
Proverbs 15:4 ESV /
A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit.
Luke 6:45 ESV /
The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.
Colossians 4:6 ESV /
Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.
Proverbs 29:20 ESV /
Do you see a man who is hasty in his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him.
Proverbs 25:11 ESV /
A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver.
Proverbs 10:19 ESV /
When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent.
Matthew 12:34 ESV /
You brood of vipers! How can you speak good, when you are evil? For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.
Romans 12:14 ESV /
Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them.
Proverbs 11:12 ESV /
Whoever belittles his neighbor lacks sense, but a man of understanding remains silent.
Proverbs 18:13 ESV /
If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.
Proverbs 15:2 ESV /
The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouths of fools pour out folly.
Proverbs 17:9 ESV /
Whoever covers an offense seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates close friends.
Psalm 141:3 ESV /
Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips!
Proverbs 27:2 ESV /
Let another praise you, and not your own mouth; a stranger, and not your own lips.
James 3:5 ESV /
So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things. How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire!
Ephesians 4:25 ESV /
Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another.
Proverbs 18:8 ESV /
The words of a whisperer are like delicious morsels; they go down into the inner parts of the body.
Proverbs 12:25 ESV /
Anxiety in a man's heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad.
Proverbs 6:2 ESV /
If you are snared in the words of your mouth, caught in the words of your mouth,
Proverbs 17:28 ESV /
Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent.
Proverbs 17:27 ESV /
Whoever restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding.
John 8:32 ESV /
And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”
Proverbs 16:23-24 ESV /
The heart of the wise makes his speech judicious and adds persuasiveness to his lips. Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body.
